even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
