just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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