No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
