I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
