accomplished twins. life is a go
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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