he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
