Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
