I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
