If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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