Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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