I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
