yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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