maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
