Just fell off a train. Bad.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
