no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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