Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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