I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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