It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Randomize
