I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
