Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Randomize
