Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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