I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
