Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
