She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
