Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
