My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I'm like, not good at living.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
