matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
