it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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