So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
