Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
only you would photoshop your dick
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
