Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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