we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I currently don't understand fingers.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
