You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
