My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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