I'm gonna have a badass scar
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Randomize
