I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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