Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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