I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
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