i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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