I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I cut my penus on the lid.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
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