I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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