I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
how do flat chested girls get laid?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
