i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Still dying that you shit outside
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Two words: blizzard sex
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
