Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
