Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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