You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
