something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
