The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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