I'm going to jail i love you
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
you didnt know i had herpes?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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