I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
